Talk Dirty To Me, Baby

I want to feel naughty tonight, don’t you?

Photo by Kelsey Curtis on Unsplash

I dislike the term “dirty talk.” I dislike everything about it. Sex isn’t dirty. So when you talk sexy, you are not doing anything wrong or bad or dirty. That’s just old-fashioned. On the other hand, I get resentful if the first thing that comes out of a guy’s mouth when he sees me naked is something lascivious and vulgar like “Oh baby you got a nice thick ass!” Followed by some drooling and unintelligible grunting. Hey, sorry, guys, I know we have that effect on you sometimes, and I don’t hold you personally responsible for your caveman ways.

I’m here to educate the savage in you and teach you how to interact with the gentler and fairer sex during sex. Trust me, clever innuendo is the way to go.

There are two basic categories of sexy talk — one, before the bedroom, to enhance the anticipation of the sex, and two, in the bedroom, to pump up the volume during coitus. Let’s deal with category one first, which can include texting and other forms of communication.

Innuendo, double entendre

I like a man who sends me a text at work saying something like, “What time are you getting off, because I can’t wait for you to come?”

That is just laced with all kinds of profanity and yet if my boss saw it, it’s entirely G rated.

It’s nice when you’re at a party and you’re both looking sexy for a guy to whisper in my ear, “Are you ready to go soon? As you can see, I am.” It’s nice for him to have a half erection pushing against his trousers when he says that. Fellas, if you don’t have a half erection, just grab a cucumber from the appetizer table and put it in your y-fronts.

Sexting

Say you’re both at a boring family gathering. Chrismas and Hanukkah are coming up. You might find yourselves stuck at some family get-together spinning dreidels or singing Roz Warren’s favorite, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.” Wouldn’t it be great to get a sext from across the room: “You look yummy, can’t wait to dig into you later?” You can reply, “I know that pie looks delicious, but save room. You’re going to be eating me when we get home.”

This is fun and naughty, especially since aforesaid Grandma might catch a glimpse of something sexy on your phone as you pull it out. Luckily, though, she’ll be getting run over by that reindeer later so she won’t have time to spread nasty rumors about you.

It’s also super fun to send a picture of yourself topless with your nipples erect to him at the office, with the caption, “You bring out the breast in me.”

Keep it fun! Keep it simple. Don’t be afraid to be corny. Remember, one day you might find yourself alone in some assisted living facility and memories of these halcyon days when a guy sent you his dick pic with the words “Can I hide this salami in you later?” might be the only thing bringing a smile to your sad old wrinkly mug. (“Sure,” you might text him back, “If you don’t mind eating this bearded clam.” And then quickly stick your iPhone up your skirt and take a snap.)

In the bedroom

I don’t know if all women are this way, but I really like to be praised as my lover undresses me. If you say to me, “You have the loveliest tits,” or, “Oh my gosh the taste of you, it’s like heaven,” I’m basically yours forever. I know, it’s so dumb. You could be lying, after all, but that never seems to occur to me — oh, vanity!

Then when he’s in me, I really like hearing, “Oh, god, love making love to you, baby.”

It just really relaxes, me, you know. Performance anxiety is not just for men, it must be said. Sure, women don’t have to achieve and maintain an erection, but we have doubts about our “action” just like men do. So when a guy tells me how nice it is to have sex with me, I relax and get into this zone where I’m not self-conscious any more. And it’s all the result of opening your mouth.

Sure, I like the strong silent type. I do like a strong male. But when a man uses his mouth in this way, communicating the arousal, I get twice as aroused. Don’t keep it to yourself boys!

You don’t have to be nasty

There are times when I do get nasty while having sex. “Oh yeah, do me big boy, put that kielbasa in me,” etc. I think guys like that.

But I have found success with more original, less pornographic exclamations. I was an English minor, though, so this might not be for you. However, if you are inclined toward figurative language, you might find metaphor, simile and personification are brilliant devices for the bedroom.

For instance, if he’s about to make me climax, I really riff on the notion of “arrival,” like, “Houston, the eagle is landing!” Or, “Yes, Sir Edmund Hillary, I can see the summit now! Keep going! We’re almost there!”

Conversely, if I can tell he’s about to climax, I like to riff on the image of geysers, volcanic eruptions, engines exploding, that sort of thing.

In a Scottish accent, “I’m giving her all she’s got, Captain, but if I push these impulse engines any harder in the condition they’re in, they’re gonna blow!”

Or, adopting the bored cadence of a tour guide as I wank him off, “Old Faithful erupts on the average every 35 to 120 minutes, the height of each eruption is usually from about 90 to 150 feet, but this one looks like it could be a really big one, folks, if you look out the windows of the bus to your right, I think she’s about to erupt, and yes! Look at that! What a geyser!”

Best of all, a sighting of the white whale is always a winner. “Thar she blows! There she breaches! Yep, no doubt about it, that’s a sperm whale.”

Personifying the penis is something guys love, because they often have nicknames for the little fella themselves, and treat the appendage like it’s some sort of pet.

“Hello, there, big fella,” I like to say to the willie. “How’s your day been? Looks like you could use a little kiss. Maybe a little back rub? Does that feel good? Oh what have we here, a couple of basketballs? Have you been shooting hoops? Mind if I play? I like to dribble.”

Use your imagination

Of course, none of this may be your vernacular. You have to remain true to your own voice. It’s possible that you are less poetic, and more scientific, in which case you might want to adapt the imagery. For example, if you both share some knowledge of ornithology, you can pretend to be spotting a couple of rare birds as you pull her bra off. “Look at that, it’s two of the most beautiful red-crested turaco’s I’ve ever seen. Look at that plumage,” and as you kiss her nipples, “And look at those big red beaks!”

Or, if you are more the manual laborer, pretend that taking her clothes off is part of your work. “We’ve got to clear out all this debris and expose the undergrowth,” you say as you rip her clothes off. Then as you put your thing in her, explain, “We’re going to have to use the big crane to drive this heavy post in there.”

You get the drift.

But being nasty is fine too

I know, we’re not all Nobel Prize winning scientists, poets or piledrivers. Some of us need to be more direct in our sexy talk, and that’s absolutely wonderful too. My girlfriend tells me that she just says the F-word over and over again, like five hundred times, at a faster pace until she climaxes. Well, I guess that’s fun for some people.

Should you call her a whore?

Guys, you have to feel this out with your women, but half of them love being called “nasty slut” as they’re being banged. Be careful though, the other half hate it and there’s absolutely no way to tell which is which. The sweetest-seeming good girls, it turns out, sometimes really dig it. And the ho-iest looking skanks just get all righteous and angry, so good luck.

Keep this in mind when doing sexy talk. It might not seem like we’re in a real free speech era, what with cancel culture and call-outs and cry-bullying and everybody’s outrage. But between two consenting adults, communication is part of the sexy. And if you do cross a line verbally you can always push rewind by saying sorry. As long as you’re not being secretly recorded you should be fine.

The mouth is a beautiful thing!